This Isn't What It Looks Like
by ParzivalHallows
Summary: Somehow the Bat-Family always manages to get themselves into awkward situations. Somehow Batman always seems to be the one to find them in these awkward situations... just a bunch of humorous one-shots.
1. Dick Grayson, the Last Firebender

**Cover Image on deviantArt by: firmamento**

Just a series of humorous one-shots.

Chapter One: Dick Grayson, the Last Fire Bender.

This Isn't What It Looks Like

Bruce had a last-minute scheduled meeting at Wayne Enterprises, and Alfred was visiting his sick cousin with whom he was very close to. Jason was still riding solo somewhere, not that any of them wanted the hero-turned-criminal there anyway. Therefore, this left Dick to take responsibility of Tim and Damian. Needless to say, he wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea. He'd been in Bludhaven, on holiday from his day-job, relaxing, when he'd gotten the call.

Looking back, he probably should have lied and said that he was too busy to watch the two birds. However that damn honest streak had flared up as it always did in unfortunate situations. Plus, Bruce would have been able to see straight through his lie.

Bruce had barely said a relieved "goodbye" to Dick when he whisked out of the manor. Half of Dick wished he could go with him. He turned around and spotted Damian, who was glaring at him through narrow eyes. Dick rolled his own, not in the least intimidated, and pushed past him. Damian let out an affronted noise which Dick ignored. Usually, he'd love to see his siblings, but not when it was Damian and Tim… _together. _

"Where's Tim?" Dick asked, to be rewarded with an eye-roll from Damian. "Should I care what that imbecile does in his free time?"

Dick groaned, and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Damian…"

"Fine," said Damian, lifting his chin, "he's probably moping somewhere in his room."

"Thank you," Dick said, but the words seemed to fly over the young child's head. Sighing, he made his way up the stairs and through the hallway, almost walking past Tim's room in favor of going to his own. He whipped back around and knocked gently on the door before opening it, "Tim?"

"Hmm – Oh Dick, it's you!" Tim had been sitting at his desk, going over some homework, but quickly threw himself at Dick, almost knocking him over. "I missed you!"

"I can tell," said Dick, a smile on his face. If he couldn't talk to Damian, he could at least talk to Tim. Most of the time.

"Where's the demon?"

Dick mentally sighed. Here it came. "He's downstairs."

Tim shrugged, as though he hadn't really wanted an answer to his question. "Then we'd probably better avoid downstairs then."

Dick frowned at him, "Why?"

Tim stared at him blankly, "Does there need to be a reason?"

"Tim…"

Tim let out a frustrated noise, "Oh god not you too! He's already corrupted you with his evil powers!"

"Evil powers?" asked Dick, trying not to laugh.

"Yes!" stated Tim vehemently, "that little demon child seems to make everyone like him! Why! What is there to like about _him? _He's a lying bastard who –"

"Tim!" Dick exclaimed, feeling a bit appalled. Tim didn't seem to hear him, "stupid little snot-nosed –"

"Tim," Dick growled, a far cry different from his last lightened tone. Tim stopped his rant and looked up at him, blinking his blue eyes slowly. Dick mentally sighed, this was going to be a long day. How did Alfred and Bruce put up with them? Hell, they weren't even in the same room and he was already breaking up their fights. "We need to go downstairs."

"What? No we don't!" said Tim quickly, glaring at the staircase as though it had done him a personal wrong.

"Yes, we do," Dick insisted, "I'm here to watch _both _of you and I can't be both upstairs and downstairs at the same time!"

"But… but…" Tim looked extremely conflicted, having nothing to fight back with, "Oh fine. You keep that thing away from me though, you hear?"

Dick rolled his eyes as Tim fell in step with him, going down the stairs. "I hear you loud and clear."

Damian was waiting for them by the steps – or at least for Dick. He ignored Tim completely, instead turning to Dick. "I am hungry, and I demand food!"

Dick blinked at him. He hadn't actually considered the fact that he would be feeding them. _Shit. What do I do now? I'm not a good cook!_

"Um… do you want to get take-out?"

"Take-out?" Damian sounded disgusted. "I will not ingest that fake food!"

Dick groaned, "Dami…"

"I also want to be preferred by my _given _name!" Damian spat. Dick quickly formulated a plan in his mind, "Alright then Little D –"

"Grayson!"

"Don't you 'Grayson' me," Dick suddenly growled, and Damian and Tim stared at him. Dick rarely took on that tone, especially not with Damian. "Tim, what do you want?"

"Pizza!" Tim exclaimed, eyes brightening. "Tt." Damian, of course. "Pizza is an undesirable food."

Dick knew it was wrong, but Damian was starting to get to him, so he decided to agree with Tim. "Pizza sounds fine with me."

"I refuse to eat -!"

"Oh fine!" Dick snapped, "I'll make you something, and me and Tim will enjoy the pizza. Happy?"

Damian narrowed his eyes at him, then he let out another "Tt" and crossed his arms. "Fine Grayson, you make me a meal and you two can have that disgusting food. If it could even be considered food."

Dick ignored his last comment, "what do you want me to make?"

Damian tilted his head, "Tortellini soup."

"WHAT?!"

Damian rose an eyebrow, "Is there something wrong?"

"Yeah, I don't know how to make it!"

"Tt! It's easy!"

"If it's _so easy _then why don't you do it?" That was Tim.

"I have nothing to say to you, Drake," said Damian coolly. "Now, make me my tortellini soup."

Dick was at a loss. How the hell would he make 'tortellini soup'? Maybe… he'd check the kitchen, see if Alfred had anything. The only thing is he didn't know what it even _looked _like.

"I wish for it to be creamy, as well," Damian added as an afterthought, and Dick froze. There was more than one way to make tortellini soup? "Tim," Dick said, "call for pizza, I don't care what you put on it."

Tim nodded and rushed off to get the phone, glad to be rid of Damian's presence. "Lil' D come with me, we can make the soup together."

"I told you to stop calling me that, Grayson!"

"If you don't want me to call you by your nicknames, then I'm not making you anything."

Ouch. Low blow Dick. But it seemed to work. Damian scowled at him, but followed him into the kitchen all the same, mumbling darkly under his breath. "Aaaalright. So… how do I make it?"

Damian shot him a scathing look, "you don't know how to make soup?"

"Tortellini soup is different!" said Dick, offended. Damian just rolled his eyes. "Pennyworth keeps a recipe book behind the fridge," he said, sounding unwilling to admit this information. He shifted uncomfortably. Dick didn't think anything of it as he found the (rather enormous) recipe book, flipping through the pages. "Here it is!" said Dick, unsurprised that Alfred would own something like this. "Let's see… first… um… Damian list off the ingredients and I'll look for them."

Damian rolled his eyes but reached for the book anyway, the large book almost falling out of his small hands. "2 whole large cloves of minced garlic…2 tablespoons of olive oil…2 10¾ cans of condensed tomato soup –"

"Wait, there's tomato soup?"

"That's the creamy one!" said Damian defiantly, and Dick sighed. He rummaged through the cabinets and found a can of tomato soup, slightly surprised that Alfred didn't have everything home-made. He had to stifle a chuckle at the thought. As Damian kept listing the ingredients, Dick started to feel more and more weary. It didn't help that the directions were just as hard as finding the ingredients. "What does 'bring to a simmer' mean?"

Damian stared at him, as though he couldn't quite believe Dick would voice such a stupid question. "You're twenty four, figure it out!"

Before Dick could reply, there was a loud ring that signified the doorbell. "Tim get the door!"

No reply. In response to this, Dick accidentally turned the stove all the way up, ignoring the blue flames that igniting. "TIM, GET THE DOOR!"

Again, no response. Cursing under his breath, Dick stalked out of the kitchen and into the hallway. "Tim?"

The doorbell rang again insistently, and Dick sighed before answering it. Dick almost took a step back out of shock with what greeted him. At first Dick couldn't make out the delivery guy, because the ten boxes of pizza were blocking his view. "What the…?"

"You ordered all of this pizza?" the delivery guy snapped, and Dick blinked. "Um…"

_Tim. Dammit. _

"Yes, let me take that from you."

The delivery man was obviously very relieved as he helped Dick bring the boxes of pizza in. "Thanks again," said Dick as the delivery person practically fled out the door. With what felt like the umpteenth time, Dick sighed. It was then that he noticed a peculiar smell… something familiar… his suspicions were confirmed as the fire alarm rang through the entire manor. Damian came racing in the room, covered in what looked like grime and ash, practically barreling into Dick.

"Dami – what -?"

"NICE GOING GRAYSON, YOU MANAGED TO SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE!" Damian screamed at a very shocked and petrified Dick. "I… what…" he raced into the kitchen and automatically shielded his eyes at the sight of the fire, which was blazing from the stove. It was with a sinking feeling that he realized he'd probably set the whole manor on fire just trying to make soup…

It took only seconds for him to race into the other room, grab a struggling Damian, and rush him out of the manor. "OUCH Grayson, what are you –"

"Where's Tim!?" Dick demanded, cutting off Damian as he practically dropped the boy onto the grass. "How should I know? Inside –"

Dick didn't need any more information as he raced back inside the manor, the heat from the kitchen making sweat appear. "Tim? TIM! TIM!?"

"DICK!?" he heard the petrified squeak from his left, and he spotted Tim, who had some toilet paper stuck to his foot. "TIM!" bursting with relief, Dick rushed towards his younger brother and grabbed him, throwing him over his shoulder and racing them both out of the manor. "Dick, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to order ten boxes I meant to order ten slices – and I was in the bathroom so I couldn't get the door – oh my god is that toilet paper?!" Dick wasn't sure how to react to the fact that Tim seemed more concerned about the pizza boxes and bathroom break then the fire.

Sirens were blaring through the streets, and Dick spotted firetrucks speeding towards the manor. Smoke was already starting to pour from the kitchen window. _I am never making soup again._

* * *

Bruce rubbed his head as he sped down the road, glancing at the time. 7:30… maybe he could stop to grab some food on the way home… after all, Dick was probably taking good care of his two monsters –um, children. Yeah, he'd stop to get something to eat.

No he was _definitely _not putting off seeing his sons again. He was just… hungry…and also well aware that there was food in the manor. He groaned, not sure of what to do. _Maybe I'll just grab some Arby's… _his thoughts were cut off by the sound of sirens, he quickly pulled over to the side of the road so that the firetrucks could speed past him. It didn't register at first that the direction they were going to was the dead end that led to the manor.

When it _did _hit him, it hit him full force. "SHIT!" slamming on his gas, the car was flying almost as quickly as the firetrucks were. He thought the worst when he saw the smoke in the air when he got close enough to the manor he could just see its outline. _Ohgodohgodohgod please be okay, please let them all be safe…_

There were lots of men dressed in standard firefighter uniforms, rushing towards his manor. Then he saw an awkward figure running towards the end of the lawn. He had to blink several times to realize that it was not an awkward figure at all – it was Dick carrying both Damian and Tim on each shoulder. Cursing, he slammed on his breaks and practically flew out of his car, running towards his three children.

"DICK!"

The figure jumped before turning to look at him, putting Tim and Damian down. Damian was covered in grime, and Dick and Tim were covered in sweat. He stared at them, then at the manor… wait… the whole manor wasn't on fire… the kitchen…

His gaze turned back to Dick, this time incredulous. Dick's eyes were wide, but he still shuffled his feet as though he were a young boy about to get a scolding. "Um, this isn't what it looks like…"


	2. Big Red Threatening Button

Chapter Two: Big Red Threatening Button

This Isn't What It Looks Like

"Do you think we should tell Jason about this case?" asked Dick nervously, glancing at Bruce. Bruce sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, "I don't know what to do, Dick."

Dick had to hold back his surprise. It was very rare that Bruce Wayne, "The Batman", didn't know what to do. Well, at least now he knew how normal people felt. He glanced again at the screen, which had the Joker's face on it. It was terrible to look at, even more so because now whenever Dick saw him he only saw the man who murdered his little brother. Plus his face was a scary sight on any day of the week.

Sure, Jason was alive now, but he was… different. He had eventually come to terms with his family, and they'd started patrolling together again, but he wasn't the same as the Jason Dick used to know. That Jason was gone forever, and it was the Joker's fault. Dick didn't trust Jason with this case, but did he even trust himself with it? What would he do, if he had the Joker in arm's reach?

_I wouldn't kill him, _he eventually thought after a moment of mental debating. _I want to, but I never could. _One glance at Bruce told Dick he was having the same thoughts as Dick. _But will Jason hold back?_

"If Jason finds out," Dick started, "he'll try going after the Joker himself, and then he'll never forgive us."

"I know," admitted Bruce, "but if we tell him, he might try to make this case personal and end up in the Joker's clutches again."

Dick crossed his arms tightly around his chest. This was going to be hard on all of them, especially Jason. "I have an idea, but I don't think Tim or Damian will like it much…"

"Well they'll have to live with it," Bruce said firmly, "what exactly is your plan?"

"Split up. We'll make it look like Jason, Tim, Damian and I are going after the Joker. I'll give us a false lead," he felt rather guilty, but he was doing it to protect his little brother. So that had to make it okay. Because Dick really didn't want to feel like a dick if he was wrong… "The downside to this is that you'll be going up against the Joker yourself."

Bruce waved this information away as though it didn't bother him in the slightest. "I've dealt with him alone before, I can do so again. It's a good plan," Bruce told him, a frown forming on his face, "but we've got to play it out right."

"And you'd better have a damned good reason for not telling me about it," a new voice broke into their conversation, and the two whipped around to see Tim coming out of the shadows in the batcave. "I come down here and hear about giving us a fake lead? Dick, what the hell?"

"It's the Joker," Bruce cut in before Dick could say anything, and Tim blanched. "But… Jason will be with us…"

"Hence the fake lead," Dick said. "I hate it as much as you do, but Jay can't go after the Joker. We can't lose him again."

Tim nodded, though he still looked reluctant. "Fine. Are we telling the demon spawn?"

Bruce rolled his eyes and Dick mentally groaned, "No, we aren't telling Damian. It's bad enough that you know. Damian can't keep his mouth shut if he thinks it will work to his advantage. Jason and Damian don't get along that well."

"Don't see why not, they're both evil," Tim muttered under his breath so that neither his brother nor father could hear. "Alright, I'm with you on this then. You're right, we can't lose the as- I mean Jay, not after we just got him back."

"So we're all agreed then?" the trio exchanged looks and nodded as one. "So, Nightwing, what is this 'false lead' you're planning…?"

* * *

"Come on!" Nightwing yelled, dodging another bullet. Red Hood had pulled out his own gun and was aiming it at the masked man who had tried shooting Nightwing, Red Robin and Robin. Red Robin scowled at Nightwing as they ducked, getting out of the way of even more bullets. His eyes were accusing, and Nightwing himself felt bad. He'd given them a false lead… so why did it feel like he'd just walked them all into a trap?

Red Hood, meanwhile, was having problems of his own. He couldn't shoot his gun, but that wasn't the annoying and confusing part. When he attempted to shoot his gun, confetti flew out of it. "What the fu –"

"Red Hood, let's go!" Nightwing yelled out, and his brother stopped shooting confetti at the other men long enough to chase after the rest of the batfamily and into an abandoned building for cover.

"For being so 'stealthy' Nightwing, you sure seemed to land us in a tight spot!" Robin growled, turning on the older man. "This whole thing screams trap!"

"It _can't _be a trap!" Nightwing felt like crying.

"The Joker's got it in for all of us, he must have known we'd be here and had us on a fake trail," Red Hood finally said, and Nightwing and Red Robin shared a relieved look. Thankfully, it went missed by Robin and Red Hood, who would no doubt be curious as to why they thought the Joker leading them onto a false trail was a good thing. Red Hood kept looking down at his gun with an odd expression on his face, though Nightwing wasn't sure why.

"They've stopped shooting," Robin observed, and they all peaked their heads out. Sure enough, the masked men were leaving behind four very confused birds. "Um…"

"Strange," Red Hood observed, his helmet tilting as he cocked his head to the side. "Why would they let us go?" _And why was my gun shooting confetti? _

"Unless there's something bigger waiting for us in here," said Red Robin darkly, and they all shared looks.

"Well, if this is a trap," said Nightwing, trying to sound optimistic, "then we might as well spring it!"

Robin rolled his eyes under his mask, "You would say that."

* * *

Batman was running towards his sons' location at break-neck speed. His heart was pounding a mile a minute, and he was quite sure that it could have competed in the Olympics race and won with the speed it was pumping. He almost tripped quite a few times (the press would have a field day with _that_) but managed to catch himself just before the ground met his face. He wasn't planning on allowing the two of them to be going on dates any time soon.

He hadn't found the Joker, and he was starting to wonder if _he'd _had the false lead. After all, the shots were coming from the location that his baby bats were at. The gunshots died down, until not a single sound was heard. He ran faster, almost flying with the speed he was going, certain that something was wrong with his family. People didn't just _stop _shooting. That would be just plain out of character. Nobody went out of character in Batman's book, and if they did he would quickly put them in their place… even if they were shooting at his children. Okay, maybe not _then, _but still… it was worrying.

By the time he reached where the gunshots were heard, he almost collapsed then and there. His entire body was shaking and his chest was moving erratically from the deep breaths he was currently racking. There was nobody in sight. Hell, he couldn't even hear crickets. Now that in itself wasn't very odd, seeing as Gotham wasn't home to many crickets, but with his panicked mind he hardly took that into consideration. _Where are they, where _are _they!?_

As if on queue, the entire ground shook (knocking him over in the process) as a warehouse to his right blew sky-high. Confetti and fireworks were mixed with large flames and thick smoke, while a music box cackled with hysterical laughter. The whole thing screamed Joker.

He heard a startled yell and whipped around – there was another warehouse, and the yell belonged to his third youngest.

"RED ROBIN!" he yelled, picking himself up from the ground and racing inside of the warehouse. It took him a moment to comprehend what he was seeing. Red Robin wasn't yelling out in pain, rather he was yelling out in anger and panic. Robin was standing to the side, his mouth hanging open in an unusual display of shock. Nightwing was covered in yellow feathers, and was standing rigid next to Red Hood, who had his finger on top of a red button, and was also covered in confetti. Over the button hung a sign that read 'Push the button to kill lots of people. Love, Uncle J.'

Red Hood whipped around at the sight of Batman, but kept his finger on the big red threatening button.

Batman wasn't supposed to show surprise or shock, but his whole face was completely twisted with it. Nightwing looked from Red Hood, to the button, back to Red Hood, then back to the button. He repeated this process many times until Batman regained his bearings.

"What. The. Hell. Did. You. Do."

Batman couldn't read Red Hood's expression under the helmet, but he could guess it looked panicked. "I swear – I didn't –this – _this isn't what it looks like_!"

* * *

The four 'brothers' crept into a large room in the warehouse, trying to keep the suspense to a minimum while also being cautious. Nightwing was starting to feel like he was in some cheesy horror movie. He _hated _cheesy horror movies.

"Do you see anything?" Red Robin whispered, only to yelp as Robin stepped hard on his foot.

"Oops, sorry, didn't see you there," the look on Robin's face said otherwise. Red Robin growled at him, about to reply sharply, when Nightwing silenced them all. "Look, what's that!"

Red Robin and Robin were to into their heated conversation to notice, but the older brothers stepped forward. There was a stand with a very large red button. "So…what's the big red threatening button for?" asked Red Hood, approaching it cautiously.

"Big red threatening button?" Nightwing echoed, smirking.

"Shut up," Red Hood growled, and Nightwing laughed out loud, only to have a tiny hand slap over his mouth. Robin's mouth was set in a scowl. "Do you want us to get captured?"

"Relax Rob, nobody's here," said Red Robin, stepping out of the shadows. He whistled as he saw the button, "Why is there a big red threatening button?"

Even Red Hood snorted at this, while Nightwing laughed openly again. To say Red Robin looked confused would be putting it mildly, "Um, did I say something funny?"

"Inside joke, you wouldn't get it," said Red Hood, waving him off. Red Robin scowled at him, but didn't say anything more on the matter. Red Hood would never give him a straight answer, and Nightwing would avoid the question like the plague.

"So, what is it?" asked Nightwing, stepping forward until he was right next to it. Red Hood also stepped forward, though the younger two stayed in their former positions. "I don't know," Red Hood mumbled as Nightwing hovered so close to the button while bending down so that his nose was in danger of bumping into it.

"Should we press it?"

"Why in God's name would you do that?" Red Robin both sounded and looked completely baffled, even more so when Nightwing straightened back up and smirked at him. "You need to live a little more, Red. Hood and I here will have fun with the big red threatening button while you two go and play hide and seek or something."

Red Hood shook his head, though Nightwing could swear he was chuckling. Red Robin huffed angrily and folded his arms. "Fine, when you end up blowing up the whole city don't come crying to me!"

"It's not going to blow up the whole city!" exclaimed Nightwing, though he wringed his hands nervously. "Right, Hood?"

"Sure," said Red Hood distractedly, still studying the button.

"So… should we press it?"

"Sure," he said again, seemingly out of it.

"So… are you going to press it?"

"Sure. Wait I mean –"

"You already said you would, no backing out of it now!"

"But I –"

"You said you would!"

"But I just –"

"Aw come on Hood, what are you chicken?"

Red Hood scowled at Nightwing, "What are you, two?"

"Just push it!"

"Why don't you!?"

"Because you said you would!"

"Why do you feel the need to push things when they're obviously not meant to be pushed!"

"JUST DO IT!"

"NO!"

"BAWK BAWK BAWK!" Red Hood glared as Nightwing paced, waving his arms around under his armpits like a chicken. Red Robin and Robin stared at Nightwing as though they'd never seen anything quite like him.

"Nightwing, you're making a fool of yourself!" exclaimed Robin, but Nightwing ignored his youngest brother. "C'mon Hood! I won't stop until you press it!"

"NO!"

"BAWK BAWK BAWK."

"NIGHTWING –"

"BAWK BAWK BAWK!"

"SERIOUSLY!?"

"Oh god…" Red Robin mumbled, smacking his hand over his eyes. "This is not happening."

"I think something is wrong with Nightwing," Robin observed, as Nightwing 'BAWK'd some more. "He's never acted this childish before. It is unbecoming."

Red Robin rolled his eyes, though he had to agree with the little brat. Dick might be slightly childish, but never… like… _this. _

"_NIGHTWING!"_

"_BAWK BAWK BAW –" _

"_OH FINE!"_

"_REALLY?!"_

"_NO!"_

"_BAWK BAWK BA – AHCK!" _Nightwing made a choking sound as Jason roared (much like a charging rhino would) and made a mighty lunge for his throat. "PRESS. THE. DAMN. BUTTON!" Nightwing choked out, flailing his arms around. "BA –ACK – BAW – ACK! JAY! GERROFF!"

"NOT UNTIL YOU STOP ACTING LIKE A CHICKEN."

"FINE! … Either you press the button, or YOU act like the chicken!"

"Oh _hell _no!"

"Press the button then, or act like a chicken. No wait, I changed my mind, act like a chicken with me! We can be chicken brothers!" Nightwing looked so thrilled with the idea that Red Hood found himself instantly declining. He was _not _doing _anything_ with his brother if it involved _that _look.

Before Red Robin could say anything to stop him, Red Hood pressed his finger on the big red threatening button. Instantly confetti flew from the ceiling (seriously, what was with the confetti?) covering Red Hood, while yellow feathers fell on top of Nightwing, who had slapped a hand to his head as though trying to get rid of a headache, looking confused as he looked around at them, his eyes slightly glazed.

"What…?"

So the Joker must have had something to do with his previous… chicken situation. A loud 'BOOM' was heard, and they all froze in place. Almost instantly a sign fell from the ceiling and hung just above the big red threatening button. It read 'Push this button to kill lots of people. Love, Uncle J.'

Red Hood was so shocked that he couldn't move his hand away from the button. He just killed… all those people… in the explosion…

Red Hood was shouting at him, yelling explicates that Red Hood knew he and Nightwing deserved. Poor Nightwing looked on the verge of tears, though he did nothing to try and take the yellow feathers off of him. He was pretty sure they'd all be scarred for life from this.

Red Robin didn't even hear his name being called until Batman barged into the room. It seemed like time stopped as he took in the scene that was the disaster the four of them caused. Well, more like Red Hood and Nightwing… but he knew they would all end up taking the blame.

Batman seemed to regain his composure as he glared at Red Hood. "What. Did. You. Do."

Red Hood, much like Nightwing, was on the verge of tears. "I swear – I didn't –this – _this isn't what it looks like_!"

Instead of being appeased by this, Batman exploded. "A WHOLE WAREHOUSE JUST BLEW UP BECAUSE YOU PRESSED A BIG RED THREATENING BUTTON!" In any other situation, Nightwing would have laughed at the wording Batman used, but this wasn't any other situation. "THE SIGN CLEARLY SAYS –"

"The sign wasn't there befo –"

Batman continued as though he hadn't heard Red Hood, "YOU KILLED ALL THOSE PEOPLE!"

"That was my faul –" this time it was Nightwing who was cut off. "AND WHY ARE THE TWO OF YOU COVERED IN CONFETTI AND FEATHERS?"

Everyone exchanged looks at that. How were they supposed to explain what had happened? The story was … ridiculous!

"Batman, we can explain –"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR EXCUSES!"

Before any of them could open their mouths to plea for mercy, a loud cackling laugh split through the air. They all whipped around, Red Hood finally taking his hand off the button, and spotted the Joker. He was clapping and looked as though he'd roll on the floor from laughing so hard.

"I can't believe you fell for that!" his laughter got higher and more intense, "there was nobody in that warehouse, calm your wings Batman." He caught sight of Red Hood and Nightwing, and honestly looked as though he were about to explode from laughing so hard at the two of them. "That worked better than I thought it would! HAHAHAHAHHAA!"

"What did you do to Nightwing?" Red Robin demanded, and Batman whipped his head around to look at Red Robin, surprised. He didn't know the Joker had done anything to his eldest son.

"I sorta mighta shot him up with some gas… don't worry, it was meant for you Red Robin! With that stupid costume of yours, I think it would look better with some feathers!" He cackled at the nasty look Red Robin threw at him. "It wore off as you could see, but I bet him acting like a chicken and attempting to get Red Hood to do the same was quite the show!"

"Not really," Red Hood muttered, his hands balling up into fists.

"Wait… so, they didn't actually kill anyone?"

"Unfortunately."

"…and you drugged Nightwing into believing he was a chicken?"

"Nah, he just kind of paraded around as one. I think it was more to get on Red Hood's nerves than anything."

"…where did you get all the confetti from?" Red Hood cut in, crossing his arms. "And how did you get some in my gun?"

"HAHAHAHAHA! I CANT BELIEVE THAT ACTUALLY WORKED!"

"Yeah, laugh it up psycho…"

The Joker appeared to be trying to calm himself down, but failing miserably at it. "Okay okay, how about we just call this a night…" giggling madly, the Joker pulled a large, obnoxious purple and green gun out of his pocket (how the hell it fit, Red Robin had no clue, and he wasn't planning on finding out). He raised the gun, aimed it straight at Red Hood, and pulled the trigger.

Instead of the barrage of bullets they had expected, confetti flew out of it and spread across the entire room. Red Robin didn't think he'd ever seen so much confetti in one place before. It was practically choking him. He could hear Red Hood's yelling out and cursing the confetti (which was everywhere by this point).

"Where did the Joker go?!" Nightwing finally yelled out, and they all instantly froze. Robin stopped attempting to get confetti out of his ear, Red Hood threw his helmet (which was filled with confetti… Red Robin was very unsure as to how that had happened) and almost smacked Batman in the face with it. Red Robin was pulling confetti from his utility belt when he heard Nightwing's frustrated yell. Blinking, he whipped around. The confetti had stopped flying around in the air at this point, and he had a clearer view of the room. Sure enough, the Joker was nowhere to be found.

"You have _got _to be kidding me."

"Wing, you've got some feathers on y –"

"I KNOW!"

…

**Awkward ending place is awkward. I honestly had no clue where I was going with this. It was going to be a serious one-shot and then I had the stupidest idea to have confetti fly out of a confused Jason Todd's gun, and then this weird thing happened. I figured it was weird enough to put it with the humorous one-shots (I sincerely hope this was humorous to you, because it freaking killed me to write it). Anywho, let me know what you thought about this one. **

**I'll attempt funnier ones in the future, and ones that actually make (some) sense. I need to go back to eating sugar late at night if I want to write these one-shots...**

**I also have no idea why I wrote so much about confetti. Maybe because it irritates me so much and I needed Jason to sympathize with me. **


	3. Bottom Or Top?

**Kudos to anybody who caught the Doctor Who reference last chapter! (Yes Glimare, I'm nodding at you xD)**

* * *

Chapter Three: Bottom or Top?

This Isn't What It Looks Like

He wasn't quite sure what he was hearing, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. After all, it's not every day that you're woken up by the sounds of moaning, panting and an occasional scream.

His first reaction was fear – fear that someone had broken into the manor. Then he realized that the sounds he was hearing didn't match up to screams of terror. And the moaning and panting, what was all that about? He felt his face heat up as he identified the sound. It was coming from Dick's room, and he found himself wondering if Dick had… invited… Barbara to stay the night.

It was hardly his place to… interrupt… the two of them, but he needed sleep and he needed it bad. Sighing, he prepared himself to become mentally scarred.

Now, he had expected to hear Barbara's voice when he approached the door to Dick's room. Which is why he was caught by surprise at the sound of Jason's voice. Not just that… his voice was… keening?

"Why haven't we done this before?"

"I don't know," came Dick's panting voice, and after what seemed like an embarrassed pause he added, "but how would you feel about going for a round two?"

"You're too quick though! If we go for a round two, I'm going on top."

"But I _like _being on top! Even doing… _this… _why are you such a control freak?"

"Dick, come on!"

"No!"

"I swear if you don't go on the bottom for round two I'm _forcing _you to."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He heard a whispered, "No," from Dick, and then a growl from Jason. "That's it -!" there was the sound of a body hitting the floor, and then Dick's voice again. "Jay, get _OFF _of me! I already told you I want to be on top! OUCH!"

"Shut up and quit being a baby about it!"

"But _JAYYY! _Look at the mess you're making!"

"Just take it bitch!"

There was the sound of more scuffling and panting, and he felt his jaw drop when he heard Tim's voice. "Oh god, I can't watch. Why are you two forcing me to watch this!?"

"I already told you," Jason growled, then grunted in what sounded like pain, "Dick, stop struggling! It'll only hurt more!" followed by a muffled "_NO" _as though Dick had his face in the carpet. He had a hand on his mouth now, unable to comprehend what he was hearing. He couldn't take it anymore. As soon as Dick let out a pained scream, _"JAY THAT HURTS!" _he burst through the door.

It was probably the oddest sight he'd ever seen in this household.

A determined-looking Jason had Dick, whose face was flushed in anger, pinned on his stomach while Jason held his arms tightly behind his back. Both of them were sweating. Tim was on Dick's bed, frowning at the two of them. They all froze and looked up at him with wide eyes (even if half of Dick's face was still being pressed into the carpet).

"Bruce!" Dick squeaked as Bruce glared at them all. Jason's jaw had dropped at the sight of Bruce, "Oh God! I swear, Bruce, this isn't what it looks like! …Or sounds like…"

Bruce turned to a red-faced Tim, who promptly hid his face in one of the pillows. Dick gave a mighty shove that sent a still shocked Jason toppling onto the floor. Dick looked extremely uncomfortable as he faced Bruce.

"We were playing Wii Fit," he explained sheepishly, glancing over at the gaming system (judging by the screen on the TV, that is indeed what they had been doing).

"Bruce, they're terrible at it!" Tim whimpered, as though watching them play a video game was physical torture.

"That's only because Dick sucks when he's on top of the raft! He should go on the bottom and help push instead of jumping around!"

"Like you'd do so much better!" Dick yelled, and Bruce stared at them all. He wasn't quite sure what he was hearing, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

He left the room without another word, leaving three extremely embarrassed birds behind.

* * *

**Yep, you waited all of that time just for that! (I was in a lecture class that was four hours long, so yeah, I decided to write a little snippet that I figured would work here. If it sucks, blame boredom)**

**So did I have any of you fooled, or no?**

* * *

**Also, If anyone has any suggestions or requests for this fic, I'd love to do them! Hit me with as many as you got. **


	4. Fight or Fight?

Chapter 4: Fight or Fight?

This Isn't What It Looks Like

"Thanks again for watching them," said a relieved Bruce Wayne, who was standing outside of Dick's apartment's front door with a hand on both Tim and Damian's shoulder.

Dick glared at his former mentor, his eyes screaming that he had a problem with this, but Bruce was too caught up in his relief to notice. "Well, looks like it's time for me to go," said Bruce after an uncomfortable silence that he finally seemed to notice. Tim and Damian exchanged sour looks as Bruce all but fled out of the apartment complex, leaving Dick sighing.

"Before I let you in, we've got to go over some house rules," said Dick, knowing he would have a headache by midday. "First off – for the love of God, don't fight. Second, don't touch anything. Third – no going in my room… and fourth… you know what? Just ask me before you do something."

Dick waited for both Damian and Tim to nod before letting them in. The first rule lasted all but five minutes before Damian and Tim were arguing about what to watch.

"Supernatural came on last night and I know Dick recorded it, we're watching that!"

"Tt. What's so good about a show that sends off so many homosexual vibes the fans make them kill off any female with potential?"

"It does _not _give off homosexual vibes!"

"Please, those 'brothers' have more gay moments than you and Superboy do – and that angel? Don't even get me started on his relationship with the older Winchester…"

"Shut up, Demon! You don't even know what you're talking about. And me and Kon are _NOT _gay!"

Damian raised an eyebrow skeptically, "Really? I wasn't aware you were a female. Forgive me Drake."

Tim spluttered, "I'm not! I didn't mean that like that! I just meant Kon and I aren't in a relationship!"

"Oh, he doesn't want to make it official? I can't say I blame him, I wouldn't want anyone to know if I was dating you either."

"Oh," said Tim angrily, red-faced, "is that what Colin tells you?"

"Don't bring him into this, Drake!" Damian hissed, glaring at the older boy.

Tim gave a victorious smirk, "I just did. Getting defensive there, Demon?"

"I am not getting defensive!" Damian all but yelled, and Tim's smirk widened.

"Guys," Dick decided this was his moment to intervene. "Lay off each other!"

Damian's glaring eyes never left Tim's, but he said nothing more. Since Dick was (in their opinion) being a dick, they decided to keep quiet.

Therefore, they were all shocked out of silence as the song 'Gangnam Style' randomly buzzed through the air. Dick quickly pulled out his phone and answered it, which was currently screaming _"Heeey, sexy lady!" _with a red face, ignoring Tim and Damian both gaping at him.

"Hello? Kori? Why are you calling, is something wrong? Jason's talking to himself again? Yeah, no I know what's wrong, he – what? – no he's not crazy. Well, not in the hearing voices kind of way at least…" Dick's voice became muffled as he walked to his room and shut the door so that Tim and Damian wouldn't hear.

"He's still talking to Kori?" Tim asked no one in particular. Damian, meanwhile, was looking scandalized. "He told me that whore didn't even remember him! That lying bastard!"

"Why so possessive of Dick all of the sudden?" Tim asked with a raised eyebrow. Damian shot him a scathing look, "I'm not _possessive, _I just think that Kori is a bitchy slut who doesn't deserve Grayson."

"That's… kind of harsh, Damian."

"You would say that," Damian snarked, and Tim bristled. "What's that supposed to mean!?" Tim practically shouted, and Damian gave him an evil grin, eyes feral.

"You know exactly what I mean, Drake. You're a cowardly worm with no spine, I'm surprised Father even keeps you around, but then again when it comes to you I think his pity outweighs his intelligence."

"Fuck you, Damian!" Tim jumped to his feet just as Dick came back in the room.

"Hey, woah, Tim calm down! What happened?" the oldest in the room asked, placing his hands on Tim's shoulders and staring him in the eye. "Come on little brother, calm down. Ignore him."

Tim held Dick's gaze for a moment in a rare act of rebellion, before sighing and ducking his head. "Yeah, okay."

Dick gave him a smile, but Tim didn't return it. Instead he sat back down on the couch (as far away from Damian as he could without falling off the damn thing) and glanced at Dick, silently inviting him – more like demanding him – to sit down. Preferably in the middle of the two younger, fighting birds. Dick took the seat gladly and made himself comfortable. As soon as he was situated, Tim asked what was on his mind.

"So what did Kori want?"

At the same time, Damian growled, "I thought Starfire didn't remember you."

Dick frowned, as though he wasn't sure who he should answer first. He decided upon both:

"Kori regained her memories of me when her mind turned semi-human for a bit, it's a long story and I wasn't there for it. Ask Roy about it. And she's worried about Jason because he keeps talking and arguing with someone who doesn't appear to be there. Even a Tamaranean knows the signs of insanity."

"Well, we all knew Todd was insane, I don't see why she had to _call you _about it." Damian grumbled, and Dick gave him an odd look. "But he _isn't _crazy – don't ask me anymore questions about Jay or Kori," Dick suddenly said, looking as though he was regretting telling them anything. "If either of you are stupid enough to blab, don't mention me!"

Tim had seen the look of a man in trouble many times – and luckily Dick wasn't wearing it. He looked more like he would if Alfred caught him stealing cookies from the cookie jar.

"It's not our fault you have a big mouth," Damian said, but agreed not to talk all the same. Satisfied that the two wouldn't tattle on him, Dick seemed to forget Tim and Damian hated each other more than Hitler hated the Jews. He had the _lovely _idea to go food shopping _leaving Tim and Damian alone… together._

Honestly, for all that he was brilliant, Dick sure could be stupid at moments. It didn't take long for the living area to look like a tornado had swept through it… twice. Ten minutes after Dick left, the boys had gotten into a fight, which quickly turned physical, which quickly turned over the couch… and the table… and the TV… and the lamp… just about everything that had the potential to be knocked over by the boys, too locked in their fight to even notice the damage they had caused both in the apartment and on each other. Damian was in the process of kicking Tim square in the chest and knocking him into a bookcase (which tipped and allowed all of the books to fall on Tim's head) when Dick wandered in with the grocery bags that he quickly dropped as he rushed to Tim's side. Before Dick could even attempt to haul Tim up, the boy threw himself at Damian, knocking the younger over. They quickly rolled around on the floor, clutching each other like cats locked in battle would. Except this one included kicks and punches and headbuts.

Dick gave up trying to pry them off of each other, which he had started doing when he realized shouting "STOP!" at the top of his lungs did nothing except give him a sore throat. Instead, he raced into his kitchen, grabbed some ductape and scissors, before running back to the room and pulling a trick that seemed to always work on people, and bats were no exception to this.

"I'M NAKED!"

Tim, who had currently been on top of Damian, froze mid-punch and snapped his head up. The normal (and embarrassing) human reaction. Seeing this as his only chance, Dick barreled into Tim, knocking him off of Damian and onto the floor, where Dick promptly pinned him.

"Sorry about this," said Dick, before grabbing the ductape and placing a piece across his mouth, ignoring the muffled cries of confusion and anger as he wrapped up the rest of his body as well. Damian, who had been watching with a smirk on his face, felt his eyes widen as Dick turned to look at him with the ductape and scissors in his hands. Tim was on the floor behind him, looking like he had been stuffed into a poorly structured silver cocoon. Damian tried to run, he really did, but Dick was like a feral animal as he tackled the younger boy to the ground. Before Damian could let out any type of sound at all, Dick had his mouth covered with ductape, along with his hands, feet, arms and everywhere else Dick saw fit.

Meanwhile, Jason was sitting in a tree outside of the window in complete shock as Dick wrapped up his little brothers in ductape, mumbling all the while about how he hadn't even wanted to watch the two anyway. Jason wasn't sure what to do. Dick had clearly lost his mind.

Jason sure as hell wasn't going inside with Dick like that, so he did the only thing he could think of. He called Bruce.

…

"Unknown" ranged anywhere from a shady businessman to a villain on the screen of Bruce's phone, so naturally he was a bit hesitant to answer it. He was completely caught off-guard at the sound of Jason's voice – which sounded both amused and concerned.

"You might want to stop at Nightwing's apartment, there's a surprise waiting for you."

"Red Hood?" asked Bruce, baffled, and very thankful he was in his car and nobody could hear him talking to the criminal-vigilante. It was one thing for Batman to associate with him, but as Bruce Wayne? Forget it.

"I swear if you've hurt any of them –" Bruce could practically hear Jason rolling his eyes.

"Would you relax? Just get here, you may have to intervene, so be prepared."

"Prepared for what!?" Bruce shouted, but Jason had already hung up the phone.

Growling and cursing to himself, Bruce shoved the phone back in his pocket and changed his direction until he was on the road Dick lived on. Luckily, he was almost there.

…

Dick stared at Damian and Tim angrily – the two of them looked both angry and scared, and, ultimately, unable to move an inch. Dick had not only ductaped their persons, but had actually ductaped them to chairs, which had their backs facing each other. He'd had it. Even ductaped, the boys had managed to wiggle over and kick each other. No more. Dick was done.

So, therefore, he tied them to chairs so that they couldn't move. Right now, he was giving them a lecture.

"Not only did you disobey the rules I set – _you destroyed them! _I'm so freaking pissed at you two right now! I swear I can't have a good time when you two are around each other. I'm sick of it! No more! Now listen here and listen good, there's going to be some changes around here you little –"

"What the hell!?"

Dick had been so into his rant he hadn't even noticed Batman come in through the window. Realizing how this probably appeared, he turned to the Cape Crusader with dread. "This… this isn't what it looks like."

_Actually, _a voice supplied in the back of his mind, _this is exactly what it looks like._

Was it wrong he didn't feel bad about that?

…

**Yes, Tim and Damian drove Dick crazy! I actually wrote this in school, 11 pages! I was all excited, my hand was cramped, and was ready to put this bad boy in word processor. **

**What is this… 5 freaking pages? And I print small too, my handwriting is this tiny itsy-bitsy thing (sometimes), so you can imagine how disappointed I am about that bit. Sorry if it was sucky, my mind is like "lol you have no muse." Stupid muse taking its stupid holiday in stupid-land. :'( **

**Well anyway, hope you enjoyed it! *goes to nurse cramped hand***

**I'm going to do AJ Crane's request next! So until the next chapter, enjoy this filler one!**

…

**I would really love more requests, cause like I said before, my muse is on holiday and I seriously need some motivation and ideas. So hit me with all you've got!**


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